Monday, September 20, 2010

"Sex, Secrets and Lies 2" review

Sex, Secrets and Lies 2 (2002)

AKA Wicked Temptations

Director: Eric Gibson
Writer: Thomas K. Nash

Monique Parent ... Samantha 'Sam' Sharpe (as Scarlet Johansing)
Keri Windsor ... Audrey Hunt / Marcy Snavely
Frank Harper ... Robert Lydekker (as Chip Albers)
Daniel Anderson ... Karl Ericcson (as Dan Anderson)
Tess Broussard ... Mary
T.J. Hart ... Laura Lydekker
Angelica Sin ... Cheryl Cross
Wanda Curtis ... Abby

Monique Parent is a hard nosed, hard bodied detective. She has been hired to find out who murdered a business man's wife. I think. Pretty sure that's what she was doing. She ends up in dangerous situations that only her beguiling female charm can get her out of. It seems like some nefarious types are trying to prevent her from having her usual amount of softcore sex. Monique's enemies are everywhere as they try to keep this late night thriller as monotonous as possible.

I rented "Sex Secrets and Lies 2" because I was under the (mistaken) impression that it was somehow related to the great softcore flick "Sex Secrets and Betrayals". (One of Nikki Fritz's hottest late night movies, a 4 out of 4 masterpiece. Check it out for softcore satisfaction.) But "Sex Secrets and Lies 2" is nowhere near the high quality of Fritz's movie. Oh, it has some secrets. And there are a few lies too. But the sex is lacking. And when I say lacking, I mean it was pathetic.

Good Lord. Were they actually trying to make a detective thriller? How dare Monique try to act? I can appreciate some professionalism in these movies but Monique should know better than to allow herself to remain fully clothed for any inordinate amount of time. She marches from crime scene to crime scene under the mistaken impression that anyone cares whether this case gets solved. The only burning question on my mind was whether or not there was going to be a sex scene between her and Keri Windsor.

There they were. Alone in a hotel room. Monique had a gun on her. She was telling Keri how the jig was up. The mood was right for some angry sex. But the filmmakers decided it would be more exciting if they kept their clothes on. I suppose they could argue that it would be "out of character" for Monique to just rip her blouse off and start making out with wanted fugitive Keri. But then I would counter that any character in a softcore movie that doesn't feel the need to have spontaneous sex is out of character.

So hopes were dashed. Hearts were broken. Tears fell on my remote control. "Sex Secrets and Lies 2" was stuffed into an envelope and sent on it's way to be never seen again. There are a few naked women to watch along the way but it's just not worth it. "Sex Secrets and Lies 2" can be skipped.

SCORE: 1.5 out of 4 hard bodied detectives

Tuesday, September 07, 2010

"Last House on the Beach" review

Last House on the Beach (1978)

Three psychotic cretins break into a house so that they can lay low for awhile. Their car broke down while they were escaping from a bank robbery and they need some time to regroup. Little did the thieves know that there are a half dozen Catholic school girls and their nun chaperone staying in the house. The men decide to take advantage of this classic exploitation movie setting and terrorize the innocent victims until they push the meek women to the breaking point.

I rented "Last House on the Beach" because it seemed to be another sleazy Italian exploitation movie. I've seen my fair share of the genre but had never heard of this movie before. It has all the elements necessary to make a nasty flick. It has the innocent schoolgirls, (with a crucifix over each bed so you know that they're pure). It has a nun, (one scene has the psychos stripping the nun out of her normal clothes so that she'll put on her official nun outfit. You can't be a nun without looking the part.) It has three rapists with raging libidos and no morals. Mix it all together and you have the makings of a sleazy time down by the beach.

But "Last House on the Beach" turns out to be relatively tame when compared to the harsher entries in this particular genre. There's a reason I've never heard of it. I was hoping to be surprised by a hidden gem but it turns out the filmmakers just didn't have the heart to go all the way with their exploitation premise.

Somehow the filmmakers manage to tone down every sleazy scene just when it should be getting rougher. We know that the psychos won't manage to keep their hands off of their captives. We are expecting to see scenes of horror unfold for these hostages. But the filmmakers cannot bring themselves to show any outrageous exploitation scenes. None of the violent scenes are memorable and any nudity shown is brief.

Although "Last House on the Beach" does have a few nasty moments, they are brief and quickly forgotten. If you're looking for a harsh exploitation movie where people are held against their will, check out "The House on the Edge of the Park". It remains the gold standard for this particular genre. "Last House on the Beach" is just not sleazy enough to warrant a viewing. Some scenes start strong but then the filmmakers decide to let the violence happen off camera. Exploitation movies should never have the violence happening off camera. Tasteful decisions are fatal for exploitation movies. "Last House on the Beach" can be skipped.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 Catholic high school girls in trouble

Monday, September 06, 2010

"Busty Cops and the Jewel of Denial" review

Busty Cops and the Jewel of Denial (2010)

Director: Jim Wynorski
Writers: Chris De Christopher, Mark Weiler

Nikki Jayne ... Busty Cop
Tory Lane ... Busty Cop
Kaylani Lei ... Other
Amy Reid ... Busty Cop

The Busty Cops are back in action. This time they have to help the quaint, humble island natives who are in danger of losing their sacred statue of perpetual orgasms. They fly to Hawaii so that they can have as much sex as possible before solving the case. The Busty Cops manage to get naked with every person they find and still have the stamina to tell outrageously terrible jokes. It all ends in complete debauchery as the busty cops have copious amounts of sex on the beach while various dirty blondes dance and fornicate to celebrate their carnal exploits.

The frequent flyer miles were stacking up on Wynorksi's credit card so it was time to make another "Busty Cops" movie. He flew the cast out, (economy class), and told them to do something interesting whenever it seemed like the camera was rolling. Wynorski was too busy chugging Mai Tai's and Pina Colada's to care. The men in this movie are most likely Wynorski's drinking buddies. They had to pay their own travel expenses but were compensated with sex scenes and all the Macadamia nuts they could eat. Actually, it makes a pretty good argument for being his drinking buddy.

So the Busty Cops are back but Wynorski forgot to bring along his best one. Where is Nikki Nova? She captures the voluptuous essence of being a Busty Cop but she is nowhere in sight. In fact, with the exception of Tory Lane, this is definitely the B-team of Busty Cops. None of these women are memorable. It is one anonymous blonde after another having softcore sex in the sand until Wynorski wakes up long enough to get them to stop.

But Wynorski manages to do a few things right and one of them was bringing along Tory Lane to romp in the sand. She is amazing. Tory Lane saves this movie from oblivion. She has a pretty nice three-way scene at the beginning of the movie with her fellow busty cops which starts things off on a positive note. She also ends up having sex with most everyone else in the movie. She is all about high energy sex and she delivers the softcore thrills.

So if you enjoy seeing clips from Wynorski's beach vacation masquerading as late night cinema, "Busty Cops and the Jewel of Denial" is the visual stimulation you seek. For those who can't get enough of watching naked women roll around in the sand, you have found nirvana. And for those who get turned on by watching women rub chocolate sauce on each other, (why Wynorksi why?!), then this film will excite you. As for me, I found it better than staring at the ceiling so it served its purpose. There were plenty of naked women and there was no plot to distract me. And as for Officer Tory Lane, for bravery in the face of Wynorksi duty, I salute you.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 busty cops

Officer Lane.

Saturday, September 04, 2010

Hustler Hollywood night

I have been recovering from work related, (and vacation related), activities lately and needed something to jump start me back to the land of the living. When I heard about the Hustler Hollywood night at the Whisky a Go Go on Sunset, I knew this was the proverbial shot in the arm I needed. There was a benefit going on and I was glad to do my part. I believe the theme of the night was "Keep Porn Alive". Or at least legal. So my friend and I wandered into the Whisky and I got myself a beer to see what was going on with the porn stars. Hustler Hollywood was serving up a mixture of porn publicity, sex toy demonstration and alcohol. A strong combination to be sure. MILF extraordinaire Nina Hartley got on stage to show us all that a lifetime of porn movies doesn't warp you into a mindless sex zombie. She says she's been in "the industry" for 25 plus years. My friends, that's a lot of sex. So she knows what she's saying when she laments the attacks on her industry by various state and federal prosecutors around the country. After Nina left the stage the evening took a less serious turn as the porn stars took the stage to promote their products. First up was Girlfriend's films, an all lesbian porn outfit. They all got on stage and talked about the beauty of hot girl/girl action. There wasn't a dry eye in the house. Or was I the only one listening? Then they showed a collection of scenes from their latest lesbian flicks.

You haven't lived until you've watched porn stars watch themselves have sex. It was magical.

Next up was Alektra Blue showing us all the latest in anal sex technology.I think there is a motor in the front or something. The men were talking about it so I wasn't really listening. But Alektra seemed to like it.
Alektra decided to spread the love around and grabbed the co-host of the evening, (a reality TV personality), for a hands-on demonstration.She enjoyed herself. The Wicked Girls joined Alektra Blue on stage to promote their latest big budget porn flick.They all got a chance to say a few scripted words about the motorcycle sex movie they were promoting.

But how does one become a Wicked Girl? Is there some sort of screening process? Is there anything the Wicked Girls have in common, (besides being hot?). What makes one porn star Wicked-worthy and others not? Do the girls all get along or are they all just too wicked?
We may never know all the answers but the studio system is alive and well in the Valley.
After the porn movie promotion was over, it was time to have an orgasm contest. Four, (or was it five?) ladies got onstage to show us how they fake their orgasms.
Porn star Belladonna, (who apparently had just shaved her head. On a side note, I used to have a thing for Sinead O' Connor so this was kind of working for me), was one of the judges. She is an expert in this field and did not cut anybody any slack.
The first contestant needed some visual help to get her juices flowing. The host was happy to oblige.
The next contestant didn't want to fake her orgasm as she dropped to the floor an subsequently dropped her pants and rubbed one out for all to see.
She was very naughty. But this is what happens when you get a room full of exhibitionists together. Add in some horny guys with cameras and you have the recipe for mayhem. Then we were treated to another contest. This time, "Top Blowjob on a Penis shaped candy stick" was on the line. The naughty contestant from the screaming O contest jumped right into the candy shaft licking contest.It was very suggestive. She seemed to know what she was doing. I was impressed.
But then Belladonna got involved in the contest and she turned up the heat. The candy didn't stand a chance.I left the Whisky soon after this oral display. I knew I had just witnessed the peak of the evening and wanted to leave on a high note. After saying a few goodbyes, my friend and I wandered down to the Rainbow Bar and Grill for some fried cheese goodness. But it was Belladonna's shaved head bouncing on a candy dong that kept running through my mind. She was the winner this evening. Well, actually we all were.