Sunday, June 10, 2012

"Piranha 3DD" review

Piranha 3DD (2012)

The piranhas are back and they’re silly. A waterpark is being constructed for the sole purpose of letting killer fish swim down the water slide. The usual group of B-movie characters fumble around waiting for their chance to die. The fish do their best to eat as much human flesh before people figure out whether they should throw chlorine in the pool. But it’s near impossible to stop a prehistoric fish when he’s hungry. It’s almost as hard as stopping a B-movie producer when he sees a chance to make a quick buck off of suckers who like Piranha movies.

“Piranha 3-DD” filled me with hope when I saw the movie poster. I believed this was going to be a worthy sequel. The first piranha movie truly earned the horror movie praise, “Orgy of gore”. It was a fun movie filled with porn stars, blood and an Oscar worthy performance from Jerry O’Connell. Unfortunately, “Piranha 3-DD” did not apply any of the lessons learned from the first movie. Instead we are treated to a cut-rate piranha movie that should have gone straight to video. I didn’t think a piranha movie could sink any lower. I was wrong.

The filmmakers should be ashamed and embarrassed that they can’t even make a reasonable sequel to a piranha flick. Fish, boobs, blood. What is so hard to understand about this? Well, let me help you understand what went wrong. You see, in any monster movie that involves aquatic creatures, you have to find a reason to get the victims in the water. In the first movie, we have porn stars swimming naked in a lake full of killer fish. Brilliant. In this movie, we have dopes going down the water slide that get rubber fish thrown at them. Not as brilliant. Actually boneheaded. A waterpark? Seriously? Cheap, lazy and stupid. That pretty much accurately describes this movie.

But then again, is “Piranha 3-DD” any different from the hundreds of B-movies I’ve seen? Not really. As a sequel to a mainstream horror movie, it’s a piece of junk. But as a run of the mill B-flick, it’s pretty standard stuff. There are random shots of naked women running around the pool, a worthless Gary Busey cameo, and scenes of splashing and blood that inevitably happen when a school of CGI fish swarms your pool. I wanted a little more quality out of this sequel but I didn’t get it. I was so sure this movie poster wouldn’t lie to me. Oh well. There’s always “Piranha 3-DDD”. Triple the dollars. Triple the deception. Can’t wait.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 piranhas on vacation

Run away!

Sunday, May 27, 2012

"Nude Nuns with Big Guns" review

Nude Nuns with Big Guns (2010)

Director: Joseph Guzman
Writers: Joseph Guzman, Robert James Hayes II

Asun Ortega ... Sister Sarah
David Castro ... Chavo
Perry D'Marco ... Father Carlittos
Maxie J. Santillan Jr. ... Mr. Foo
Ivet Corvea ... Mistress Charlotte
Aycil Yeltan ... Sister Angelina
Emma Messenger ... Mother Magda

Sister Sarah is a bad nun. She gets mixed up with some drug dealing pimps who can’t wait to rip her vow of chastity from her. When a drug deal goes sour, (as they often seem to do), Sister Sarah is thrown into the whorehouse. The humiliations and drug abuse pile up until a Good Samaritan saves Sarah from her private hell. For his troubles, Sister Sarah puts a bullet in him. Now she will have her vengeance against all men. Lowlife, stinking, rotten, no good, abusing men. She is a (sometimes) nude nun with a (sporadically) big gun.

“Nude Nuns with Big Guns”. There are two elements clearly stated in the title that better manifest itself in this B-movie. I’m pleased to tell you that there are nude nuns and they do, on occasion, carry big guns. But I was more concerned about the nude nuns than I was about the big guns. It could have been “Nude Nuns with Big Knives” and I would have been just as happy.

So Sister Sarah goes on a rampage and kills a lot of scum. Is there anything more to this movie? Anything else worth mentioning? Not really. The title pretty much highlights the message the filmmakers were trying to convey. Well, there was a nice lesbian scene between Sister Sarah and another woman. That scene served as a crucial plot point to show Sarah’s tenderness manifesting itself with some sweet lovemaking. And yes, I’m just kidding. It was yet another scene of mindless exploitation to please the B-movie fans.

That pretty much sums up “Nude Nuns with Big Guns”. Mindless exploitation. I suppose it was trying to be a competent rip-off of a Robert Rodriguez movie. It even sampled some “Grindhouse” music and named its strip club the “Titty Flicker”. I’m sure Rodriguez is impressed with this tribute to his A-movie success. As for me, I found it to be a reasonable way to spend an afternoon. The nuns were nude and the guns were huge. That’s all I needed to see.

SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 nuns with big guns

Monday, May 07, 2012

"The Cabin in the Woods" review

The Cabin in the Woods (2011)

Director: Drew Goddard
Writers: Joss Whedon, Drew Goddard

Kristen Connolly ... Dana
Chris Hemsworth ... Curt
Anna Hutchison ... Jules
Fran Kranz ... Marty
Jesse Williams ... Holden
Richard Jenkins ... Sitterson
Bradley Whitford ... Hadley
Brian White ... Truman
Amy Acker ... Lin

Five friends want to go to a cabin in the woods for the weekend. They want to party, get high, get laid and other things college students do at a cabin in the woods. But they’re not the only ones who want to see them take off for their backwoods party. A mysterious corporation is monitoring their activity to make sure that everything goes as planned. There are certain rituals that have to be followed if you want to have a successful venture into the woods. Will everything go as planned? Why does the corporation care about how to stage a creepy backwoods thriller? They know that they’re not the only ones watching. You have to keep your audience happy.

“Cabin in the Woods” is a brilliant movie. It is one of the few movies I have actually gone to see twice in the theaters. Round two was just as good. But this movie is shocking in how good it is in keeping you wondering why these potential horror movie victims are being monitored. You will have more fun watching this movie if you don’t know too much about it. All you need to know is that it is made for horror fans by acknowledging all of our hopes and desires for a horror flick.

What are the buttons that need to be pressed to stimulate the audience‘s senses? “Cabin in the Woods” explores this question by having two puppet masters, (Richard Jenkins and Bradley Whitford in hilarious performances), literally push the buttons that propels the story forward. If the “slut” victim doesn’t feel like having sex, Jenkins is there to release the pheromones necessary to get her juices flowing. Once she has opened her blouse to reveal her breasts, she has transgressed enough to warrant her death. Why showing breasts is a transgression I’ll never understand but the horror movie gods must be satisfied.

“Cabin in the Woods” kept me guessing throughout the entire movie. I knew that these college students were being set up but I had no idea why. I assumed it was for the amusement of some off screen entity but had no clue as to where this movie was heading. The ending of the movie is a huge payoff scene. I won’t spoil it for you here but just know that you won’t see it coming. I had a blast watching “Cabin in the Woods”. It needs to be seen. Loved it.

SCORE: 4 out of 4 horror victims

Kiss me.

Sunday, May 06, 2012

"Dream Home" review

Dream Home (2010)

Director: Ho-Cheung Pang
Writers: Ho-Cheung Pang

Josie Ho ... Cheng Lai - Sheung
Eason Chan ... Siu To
Michelle Ye ... Flat 8A Female Owner
Norman Chu ... Sheung's Father
Kwok Cheung Tsang
Lawrence Chou ... On Jai
Juno Mak ... Cop Fat
Hee Ching Paw ... Sheung's Mother

Josie Ho has a dream. She wants to buy a condo with a seaside view. But real estate in Hong Kong is a tad expensive. She’s had to work hard to save up enough cash but it looks as if her struggles are going to be rewarded with a new ocean front condo. Alas, it is not to be. The seller’s greed has raised the price and Josie cannot afford her dream home. What’s a despondent buyer to do? Kill them all of course.

“Dream Home” is a tale of Hong Kong real estate, greed, and the massacres they inevitably provoke. Josie’s life has been a tough one. She’s had to take care of her sick dad and then lament the fact that his life saving operation won’t be covered by insurance. She also had to contend with the man she was having an affair with actually having the gall to go back to his pregnant wife. What is this world coming to when a man won’t be faithful to his mistress? This will not do.

Josie’s life is full of stress and she needs to find a way to blow off a little steam. The perfect release from all of these real world problems is homicidal vengeance. Josie stalks her lover’s wife and attacks. The fact that the woman is pregnant means nothing to Josie. Her moral compass has broken but her aptitude for extreme violence is surprisingly high. In an ingenious move, Josie sticks a vacuum space bag over the pregnant woman’s head and sucks all of the air out of her body. Hell hath no fury, etc.

This violent episode turns out to be a training ground for Josie’s true targets: The scum who have stolen Josie’s dream home by actually living in it. Once Josie sets her sights on the dream home’s occupants, the movie becomes a long splatter episode as they all have to pay dearly for stealing Josie’s dream.

“Dream Home” is an interesting splatter flick. Frankly, it had a little more plot than I was expecting from a Category III movie. Did I really need to see scenes of a young Josie talking to her friend via the two cups and a string device? I would argue no. There is only so much set-up needed to get to the splatter highlights. This is not a parable which instructs us on the folly of the real estate market. This is a horror flick pretending that it’s teaching a lesson. Those pesky censors always fall for a supposed moral lesson.

But “Dream Home” has some violent content which satisfied me. It also didn’t hurt that Josie Ho looked good hacking and slashing her way across Hong Kong. I only hope that the Category III flick makes a comeback in HK cinema. That would be my dream. I won’t go homicidal if it doesn’t come true but I’d be upset.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 jilted Josies

Monday, April 30, 2012

"Rabies" review

Rabies (2010)

AKA Kalevet

Lior Ashkenazi ... Danny
Danny Geva ... Yuval
Ania Bukstein ... Adi
Menashe Noy ... Menashe
Ran Danker ... Mikey
Henry David ... Ofer
Ofer Shechter ... Pini
Liat Harlev ... Tali
Yael Grobglas ... Shir
Efrat Boimold ... Rona

A brother and sister are trapped in the woods with a madman. Meanwhile a car full of tennis players gets lost near the woods and run into the brother. This leads to mass confusion as the importance of friendship gets lost in the quest for survival. Before you know it, there are two cops and a park ranger thrown into the mix which leads to bloody results. Why is everyone going insane when they approach these woods? Who is the madman? Why are the brother and sister out there in the first place? So many questions but so few answers as madness seems to have an iron grip on anyone who ventures into the dark Israeli woods.

The first thing to know about “Rabies” is that no one has rabies. There’s no drooling St. Bernard dog, no one has Cabin Fever and no one gets rabid. Upon further research, the word Kalevet, (original title), can also mean “anything that isn’t good.” So it’s a very Kalevet afternoon in the woods for the characters in this movie. While there isn’t any rabies in the literal sense, everyone seems to go a little crazy. Sometimes they go a lot crazy. It’s just one of those Kalevet days.

“Rabies” is an Israeli made horror movie. A very unique horror film in that regard as I don’t recall ever seeing another Israeli made slasher flick. That would also explain why there was a scene with an air freshener painted with the Israeli flag dangling from a car rear view window. But I feel there may be some sort of subtle political message that perhaps I didn’t get. The movie may be trying to say something about the country going insane. Or maybe the filmmakers just don’t like the national park system. Or maybe the woods were close by and they decided to film there.

But if this movie wasn’t set in Israel, would it be as interesting? I’m not sure. One thing I am sure of is that Yael Grobglas is hot. She plays the blond tennis player who ventures into the woods. She was a pleasant sight to see as her world crumbled around her. There were extended scenes of her going to the bathroom, which one character insisted was hot, but I insist is not. I’m only saddened by the fact that she never consummated the lesbian crush that her teammate had on her.

“Rabies” is an interesting horror flick as it plays on the slasher conventions without fully committing to them. People are trapped in the woods, there’s a mad killer on the loose but nothing works out the way you think it would. It’s worth a look. The good news is that “Rabies” has plenty of bloodshed as the woods exert its homicidal hold over anyone who gets near it. The woods were completely Kalevet. Yael Grobglas wasn’t Kalevet though. She may have gone a little nuts, but nowhere near Kalevet.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 rabid women

A rabid Yael.

Sunday, April 29, 2012

"Stripperland" review

Stripperland (2011)

Director: Sean Skelding
Writers: Sean Skelding

Ben Sheppard ... Idaho
Jamison Challeen ... Frisco
Maren McGuire ... Virginia
Ileana Herrin ... West
Hank Cartwright ... Guy Gibson
Daniel Baldwin ... Double D
Lloyd Kaufman ... Phillip
Linnea Quigley ... Grambo

Stripperland. It’s a magical place where strippers remove their clothes for free and everyone gets a complimentary lapdance. A land where the drinks are cheap, the music is always set to hip hop and the women bump and grind the night away. That land is locked away deep in my imagination. This film shows an alternative reality to my fantasy. Their version of Stripperland is full of zombie strippers that love to eat human flesh. My version is a lot more fun.

“Stripperland” is a B-movie take on “Zombieland”. It gladly rips-off every element of its A-movie predecessor. It also manages to mangle a few “Star Wars” quotes along the way just so you understand the level of geek knowledge the filmmakers possess. The plot is essentially the same. The only difference is that all of the zombies are strippers. Two guys hit the road to Stripperland, (Portland actually), to look for life and freedom from zombies. They pick up two sisters who also want to be free of undead strippers. There are many gory interludes along the road to freedom. It all ends in a strip club with zombie women trying to hold in their guts after being blasted by shotgun wielding grannies. Just like “Zombieland”. Well, the ending was a little different.

“Stripperland” is a competently made B-rip-off of “Zombieland”. It moves briskly along from one gory set piece to the other but doesn’t provide much excitement or humor along the way. One of the main characters has an obsession with baked goods. Instead of lusting after twinkies, he wants to taste well prepared cakes. That is as humorous as “Stripperland” gets. If that’s the only funny thing I can remember about a movie called “Stripperland”, you can probably feel OK about skipping this one.

There’s one big problem with “Stripperland”. If you’ve already seen “Zombieland”, you’ve seen a better version of this film. But I was hoping that this would be an unapologetically sleazy affair which would make up for its lack of creativity. But I was disappointed again. “Stripperland” is too nice. There should have been so many undead breasts flopping about I should have lost count. Remember this B-movie golden rule: Strippers who don’t strip are not strippers. I can’t emphasize this enough. There were plenty of zombie strippers lurching about but very few actually took the time to show their rotting bodies.

So shame on you Stipperland for making me want to visit your city. I came to Stripperland to visit your glory holes and all I got was this half-baked remake.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 crazed strippers

Sunday, April 01, 2012

"Bikini Time Machine" review

Bikini Time Machine (2011)

Director: Fred Olen Ray
Writer: Fred Olen Ray

Joslyn James ... Lara
Kylee Nash ... Sara
Jenna Presley ... Kandy
T.J. Commings ... Teddy
Ted Newsom ... Watergate
Trish Cook ... Purvis
Nick Manning ... Hippy
Sara Sloane ... Princess

Time Travel. Only brave bikini time travelers have the courage to attempt such a feat. Kylee Nash and Joslyn James want to travel through the fourth dimension. They want to rip open a wormhole so that they can unlock the secrets of the universe. Like, why is Fred Olen Ray so obsessed with bikinis? They try to go back in time to witness a young Fred falling in love with bikini babes at the drive-in. Well, actually they don’t. But it would have made for a more interesting movie. Instead they have a lot of sex in another mindless Cinemax movie.

“Bikini Time Machine” starts off with a great sex scene. Intrepid time traveler Jenna Presley leaps into the abyss so that she can make out with a large breasted princess. Sara Sloane, (AKA Sarah Vandella), is eager to show her how to make sweet love to royalty. You see, one of the side effects of time travel is that you arrive at your destination extremely horny. A nice side effect to be sure especially if you happen to run into blondes with huge racks. This scene is quite pleasant as Jenna and Sarah take the time to get to know each other’s bodies and the viewer rejoices.

But then it’s all over and Jenna and Sarah leave the movie forever. I want to go back in time and see it again! But time marches on and we are stuck with some asinine movie where Joslyn is going to lose the family diner for some reason or another and no one cares. At this point you’ll want to hop into the time machine and go to the end of the film. That is where the last good sex scene awaits.

I believe if I’m not mistaken, (or slept through the dialogue), that Kylee and Joslyn are supposed to be sisters. If they are, then the last sex scene is so beautifully sleazy I have to give Ray credit for going the extra mile. Kylee and Joslyn use the time machine to get some lotto numbers but don’t count on the horny side effect to slow them down. Kylee decides that they just have to go for it if they are ever going to concentrate long enough to finish their lotto number task. Their sex scene is good but knowing that they’re horny sisters makes it even better. I don’t know about you but I like my softcore dirty.

“Bikini Time Machine” is a typical Ray softcore flick which is enlivened by Jenna’s and Kylee’s ample bosoms. Large breasts. Huge tits. I could go on and on but you get the idea. But be sure to hop in the DeLorean right after Jenna’s scene and set the flux capacitor to the Kylee and Joslyn rendezvous. Your future will be much brighter.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 bikini time travelers

Sunday, February 19, 2012

"Hobo with a Shotgun" review

Hobo with a Shotgun (2011)

Director: Jason Eisener
Writers: John Davies Jason Eisener

Rutger Hauer ... Hobo
Pasha Ebrahimi ... Bumfight Filmmaker
Robb Wells ... Logan (as Rob Wells)
Brian Downey ... Drake
Gregory Smith ... Slick
Nick Bateman ... Ivan / Rip
Drew O'Hara ... Otis
Molly Dunsworth ... Abby
Jeremy Akerman ... Chief of Police

Rutger Hauer has come to town to get some peace. All the man wants is a lawn mower. Unfortunately the corrupt B-movie town he's landed in just won't let him achieve his dream. The evil overlord who runs the show kills people just for fun. His two lackeys, (who dress like Tom Cruise), carry out his orders and massacre anyone who gets in the way. When they set their sights on a hooker with a heart of gold, Hauer has had enough. No one kills a gold-hearted whore with Rutger around. It's time to pump the shotgun and send these Cruise wannabes to Hell.

Death comes in many forms. Sometimes it's a creeping disease. Other times, a freak accident will claim a life. And sometimes, a hobo with a shotgun is the answer to your death wish. Hauer lands in the middle of a deliberately over the top B-movie with a loaded shotgun that he can't wait to unload. All of the scum have been begging for a face full of shotgun shells. This hobo is happy to oblige.

"Hobo with a Shotgun" is an exercise in B-movie madness. It succeeds in delivering violence, gore, and general mayhem as only a movie about a shotgun-wielding hobo can. Rutger Hauer is great as the homicidal hobo. He knows that the only way to handle a movie like this is to keep pumping the shotgun. Hauer does not let up on his slaughter until every last dirtbag has eaten some shotgun pellets. They say that violence only leads to more violence. And they're right! Good thing for us Hauer doesn't care about things like forgiveness. Only dealing death by shotgun lets him sleep at night.

After Hauer has caused quite a bit of havoc, the overlord of scum town unleashes The Plague. In the movie's most hilarious scene, two guys in body armor, (head to toe), show up at a hospital to take Hauer out. They are The Plague. One guy has a machete and the other likes to put a noose around people's necks and watch them dangle from the ceiling. Finally, a challenge for the hobo! The Plague captures everything that's good about "Hobo with a Shotgun". These maniacs might need their own movie.

"Hobo with a Shotgun" is a fun gorefest. It's badly acted, (with the exception of Hauer), poorly constructed and doesn't care if it makes any sense. Just like a good B-movie should. If you're in need of a sleaze movie fix, "Hobo with a Shotgun" has got you covered.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 homicidal hobos

The Plague

Sunday, February 05, 2012

"SS Experiment Love Camp" review

SS Experiment Love Camp (1976)

Director: Sergio Garrone

Mircha Carven ... Helmut
Paola Corazzi ... Mirelle
Giorgio Cerioni ... Col. von Kleiben
Giovanna Mainardi
Serafino Profumo ... The Sergeant
Attilio Dottesio ... Dr. Steiner
Patrizia Melega ... Dr. Renke

The SS are at it again. The master race needs to do some loving. They have set up a camp. An experimental love camp if you will. The experiments that they'll conduct on the enemy women will advance lovemaking technology by decades. Or at least a few weeks. Actually I have no idea what the love experiments are supposed to accomplish. I doubt the SS did either. All they know is that it's a hoot having absolute control over female prisoners in another sleazy woman's prison movie.

"SS Experiment Love Camp" is yet another Nazi woman's prison movie made after the great "Ilsa, She Wolf of the SS". It combines all of the things that we love about Nazi woman's prison movies. Nazi's, women and prisons. What a winning combo. This time the Nazi's are abusing poor, innocent women for the glory of the Third Reich. No wait, that's the plot of all these movies.

The Nazi's are bored and want to play around with the women they've captured. They've come up with many unnecessary experiments to pass the time before the Allies squash their decadent dreams of world domination. One of their games is to remove organs from the prisoner's bodies to see if they can live through the experiment. This is supposed to help understand battlefield wounds (I think). Or maybe it's just an excuse to see some blood and guts. Either way, the women don't last very long with their insides pulled out.

The Nazi's are also interested in lovemaking in bizarre situations. They have the super stud soldiers show the women how to do it in boiling and freezing water. Sometimes they even do it on a bed! There is no limit to what dastardly extremes these mad scientists will go to.

Speaking of extremes, the scientists leave their most fiendishly hilarious experiment for the end. The commander of the camp wants to take everything they've learned about organ transplants and work their magic on him. I don't suppose the commander realizes that every single one of the kook scientist patients died on him. No matter! Bring on the testicle transplant!

Yes, that's right. A testicle transplant scene. The commander needed some balls so he took them. This leads to the best line of the movie when the unwilling soldier hunts the commander down and wonders what he's been doing with his balls. Good question. Where oh where did his gonads go? The movie ends in blood and tears and lost testicles. It all adds up to a sufficiently entertaining exploitation flick that makes you glad you still have your gonads even if you've lost part of your mind.

SCORE: 2 out of 4 tainted love experiments

Sunday, January 15, 2012

"Fantom kiler 4" review

Fantom kiler 4

Director: Roman Nowicki

Dionne ... Officer Stella Green
Maria Vaslova ... Barbara Rynkowska
Pavla Nicole ... First Hooker
Conrad Bismark ... Fantom Kiler

A killer is stalking naked women. If they're not naked when he meets them, they soon will be. The Fantom Kiler is on the loose and he is performing acts of depravity on any unwilling woman he can find. A hot babe inspector is on the case. Her detective and English language skills will be pushed to the breaking point. Women are dying horribly all around her and yet she just can't change her facial expression from one of complete indifference. Who can stop the Fantom Kiler from defiling these poor women? Does anyone want him to?

Two words: Vaginal insertion. These two words perfectly capture what "Fantom Kiler 4" is all about. You could also add anal insertion, humiliation, paddling and hilarious bad English dubbing to its list of attributes. I saw the original "Fantom Kiler" and just had to know what that maniac in the big hat was up to. He's grown up from sleazy exploitation violence to scenes of hardcore nastiness.

"Fantom Kiler 4" makes the big leap into scenes of hardcore horror. Well, I guess it wasn't a big leap. More like a small step into the pit of hardcore despair. The vagina gets a lot of closeups in this movie and there is usually something be shoved into it. The first scene has a naked woman standing on the side of a road waiting for a trick to pull up. Before this scene is over, she'll have a rapists penis in one hand and a corn cob being jammed into her vagina. The movie is not subtle.

It's also not really a movie. "Fantom Kiler 4" is a collection of various deranged scenarios that have women being used and abused. There are scenes of women being used as a mop, (anal handle insertion), as a paintbrush, (paint smeared breasts were made for covering walls), and as an excuse to paddle them raw, (a full two minutes of paddling). If any of these scenarios excite you in strange and weird ways, you'll find something to enjoy in this unrepentant sleazefest.

"Fantom Kiler 4" drops all the foreplay and gets down to the hardcore horror fans of this series want to see. It is goofy and ridiculous and filled with scenes of nasty exploitation. I laughed my way through most of the movie as the hot inspector and her monotone delivery was B-movie gold.

Speaking of exploitation gold, there was one scene where a nympho police woman got her hands on the rapists severed penis and decided to use it one last time before booking it into evidence. This scene was pretty good as she used the appendage with gleeful abandon. But then the Fantom Kiler had to be a buzz kill and stopped her good times. Why did he have to ruin a perfectly good raging nympho? I guess we'll never understand the evil that lurks in the heart of the Fantom Kiler. We'll also never truly understand the appeal of these movies so it's best just to enjoy them for the nasty pieces of work that they are. The blood, the breasts, the paddling, it's all here.

SCORE: 3 out of 4 sleazy killers